Freedom, Joy and a little bit of Longing
to love
is to hear the echo of lack in a being
and breathe into the empty space
with touch
with words
with gifts
with acts
with presence
sometimes that being is your long-time lover
sometimes a stranger, a friend, a flower, a dog
sometimes that being is you
in the space
between you
and you
your absence is heavy
weighting me down
as I hang in there
the second the world fell apart
we became the opposite sides
of the same, damaged coin
the second the world fell apart
we broke into old pieces
we broke into old patterns:
me, sacrificing truth
you, sacrificing trust
I lost you
as you free-fell into your pain
a place where only you exist
I lost me
as I free-fell into your pain
desperate to find you there, to not be left alone
and so you lost me, too
I ask of you to stay with me
the night is dark and eerie
the wind is whispering memories
that stir up dusty fear
but halfway through you’re out of sight
you’re out of touch
I’m freaking out!
afraid your heart’s run off
it too afraid
and left me here…
love potions, too
taste bitter
shadows of white lies, too
are dark
unconsciously
undeliberately
we sacrificed
as we humans do, when we leave parts of us behind
forget them in places, forget them in people
in relationships
in love
Does it matter
If you paused
Or stopped?
The music isn’t playing
It’s silent
“Only if you’re silent are you safe”, are the words I hear
and to save myself, I accept the terms
I rip my vocal cords out of my throat, leave you all I have left and run to find a place to hide and heal, in silence
Three men guard a female heart
Ensure that it is free
Protect it from all enemies
and that’s how it should be!
what I hear you saying is that you want to suck the freedom and spontaneity out of my veins, bottle it up and drink it between 2 and 4.30 on Saturday afternoons?
like you take a health supplement instead of eating greens
I’m not fucking Berocca!
I’ve climbed because you’ve challenged me, arrogantly thinking you’re safe behind those walls
I’ve climbed because I’ve felt lonely, because I’ve craved friendship and connection
But I’ve never meant to steal a heart!
I know it never ends well, the falling in love with a burglar – hearts are to be given to those invited through front doors
Chosen
my fear?
that you will change me
no, you’re right
that I will change myself in your presence
become something i’ve lost control of
in the worst of ways
and in doing so, wither and die
I helped you steal my heart
then you escaped through an open window and vanished into the night
leaving me behind
I didn’t see that coming
I’ll grow a new one
Johanna Benevole 