optimising for truth, goodness and beauty
seven children came:
four flanked my heart
the fifth I had to cradle
the sixth pointed the way
the seventh spoke the truth:
life is madness
but there’s method to the madness
and truth to the method
and God in the truth
as long as there are children
look for me
not where I was
nor where I will be
but where I AM
look there
and you will always find me
and the devil was there, waiting on the shoulder…
please lock us down!, we cried as we saw him
hide us so death cannot find us!
sure, the devil replied with a grin
collecting our freedoms, collecting our future
you’ll give them back for sure, can you promise?
we signed without reading the fine print…
sometimes
we need to see our own reflection
in broken mirrors
to see who we really are
our mastery of love
is reflected less in what we give on a sunny day
but rather in what we are able to receive when it’s storming
‘what do you need?’, I ask
‘a miracle’, you answer
your eyes drop
you look away
ashamed of feeling powerless
and so you never notice the sparkles and glow in the air around me
as you utter
the word
miracle
in the space
between you
and you
your absence is heavy
weighting me down
as I hang in there
was it you hiding
or me not looking?
it’s quite a detail to miss, you heading another way
not loving enough to curiously see me
was it me hiding
or you not looking?
in my river
you now are
flowing calmly towards endlessness
streams effortlessly converged
unexpectedly, past a meander
our waters forever intertwined
amongst green hills of gratitude
under clear skies of love
there are times in a life
when we’re forced to go deeper
deeper below to find stable ground
below all the water
there is landmass that holds us
in place
and connects us to every man’s land
there’s no need to wave to the shore to get rescued
there’s no need to swim – there’s nowhere to go!
the turbulent whitewash is caused by your arm-strokes
your kicking creating the currents below
days I cook with all I have
times I’m true to all there is
my supper
is taken
in solitude…
left was the one
veiled in the shadows
beating herself up with bare hand
not chosen
not loved
her dreams without passports
citizen only of nothingness land…
we are children of a disconnected world
picking wings of butterflies
fascinated by their beauty
surprised when they die
but not guilt-ridden – they had it coming!
why else would they be pretty?
and after all, they landed in our hands…
the second the world fell apart
we became the opposite sides
of the same, damaged coin
the second the world fell apart
we broke into old pieces
we broke into old patterns:
me, sacrificing truth
you, sacrificing trust
I lost you
as you free-fell into your pain
a place where only you exist
I lost me
as I free-fell into your pain
desperate to find you there, to not be left alone
and so you lost me, too
I ask of you to stay with me
the night is dark and eerie
the wind is whispering memories
that stir up dusty fear
but halfway through you’re out of sight
you’re out of touch
I’m freaking out!
afraid your heart’s run off
it too afraid
and left me here…
we search for purpose – our song
but what if it’s not our purpose we need to find
but the pain inside that goes so deep
we cannot but sing as it kills us
love potions, too
taste bitter
shadows of white lies, too
are dark
my garden reminds me of you
I look away
and you go wild
I make a plan
but you grow in a different direction
I give you a sunny spot
with fertile soil and I water and water
but you don’t like me trying to change you
and you die on me
I thought my heart would break…
my heart didn’t break
it healed
as I surrendered fully to loosing you
as I accepted my heart wasn’t choosing you
if it meant giving up on our dreams
and that’s what you asked, so it seems
have we ever really lived
until we’ve loved us through a naked goodbye
seeing only beauty through the tears
have we ever really loved
until we’ve lived the moment of complete surrender to impermanence
loved – not because of a dream nor a history, but the everlasting now
loved – bravely, with death sitting beside us
you fear the night
that’s half the day!
you want the darkness to be light
I love the night
and all it hides
I want the darkness to shine bright!
dear lover,
move me with your clear direction, hold me in my passion
touch me with each breath you’re taking, melt away my walls
expose what is beneath it all
a glowing force
a dancing flame
a naked woman with no name
dear lover, with your solid presence warm my thin bare shoulders
Christmas came early – I wasn’t ready!
My fridge was all empty, my house was not cleaned
Nothing was wrapped with beautiful ribbons
Nothing prepared to be opened and seen
Johanna Benevole 