Freedom, Joy and a little bit of Longing
to love
is to hear the echo of lack in a being
and breathe into the empty space
with touch
with words
with gifts
with acts
with presence
sometimes that being is your long-time lover
sometimes a stranger, a friend, a flower, a dog
sometimes that being is you
our mastery of love
is reflected less in what we give on a sunny day
but rather in what we are able to receive when it’s storming
‘what do you need?’, I ask
‘a miracle’, you answer
your eyes drop
you look away
ashamed of feeling powerless
and so you never notice the sparkles and glow in the air around me
as you utter
the word
miracle
in the space
between you
and you
your absence is heavy
weighting me down
as I hang in there
in my river
you now are
flowing calmly towards endlessness
streams effortlessly converged
unexpectedly, past a meander
our waters forever intertwined
amongst green hills of gratitude
under clear skies of love
I ask of you to stay with me
the night is dark and eerie
the wind is whispering memories
that stir up dusty fear
but halfway through you’re out of sight
you’re out of touch
I’m freaking out!
afraid your heart’s run off
it too afraid
and left me here…
I thought my heart would break…
my heart didn’t break
it healed
as I surrendered fully to loosing you
as I accepted my heart wasn’t choosing you
if it meant giving up on our dreams
and that’s what you asked, so it seems
have we ever really lived
until we’ve loved us through a naked goodbye
seeing only beauty through the tears
have we ever really loved
until we’ve lived the moment of complete surrender to impermanence
loved – not because of a dream nor a history, but the everlasting now
loved – bravely, with death sitting beside us
dear lover,
move me with your clear direction, hold me in my passion
touch me with each breath you’re taking, melt away my walls
expose what is beneath it all
a glowing force
a dancing flame
a naked woman with no name
dear lover, with your solid presence warm my thin bare shoulders
Christmas came early – I wasn’t ready!
My fridge was all empty, my house was not cleaned
Nothing was wrapped with beautiful ribbons
Nothing prepared to be opened and seen
I cry my tears and you hold me tight
whispering
I’m here, you’re safe
asking no questions
needing no answers
knowing my tears are just ice that is melting
glaciers surrendering in the warm spring of safe love
unconsciously
undeliberately
we sacrificed
as we humans do, when we leave parts of us behind
forget them in places, forget them in people
in relationships
in love
if we knew the world would end tomorrow
would you want to spend today with me?
Until he pulled me out
Your wave pulled me forward
The rip pulled me back
I stayed where I was
I knew nothing else
But MY rip and YOUR wave
I knew nothing else
But swimming
star drops in your naked air
bare feet running catching day dreams
love dust in your wild blond hair
playing cheeky with the sunbeams
small hands smeared with jam of life
eyes filled with desire
golden laughter melting strife
it’s you that I admire
Mothers and Daughters
an intricate union
the closest to one, still divided
torn into two
at the moment of birth
when the scars to be healed are decided
my deepest love
has an absence of feelings
no words, nothing to explain
it’s the absolute stillness
found in an ocean
so deep no sensations remain
I’m daughter of a ferryman
And daughter of pure light
I’m a mixture of two ends that met
In something true and right
I’m two times divorced and one time widowed
But from death, the heart doesn’t move
It sits down where sense vanished, where now flowers are growing
Allowing itself just to mourn
no place exists where you cannot touch me
you find me wherever I hide
your heart is my heart, and no moving or hiding
can ever escape what’s inside
how many times can I release the same man?
how many times can I let him go
only to find him there, again
hours or days or months later
sitting in my library peacefully reading my books
as if it’s the most natural thing in the world
as if he lives there
as if he never left
Johanna Benevole 