My Hurricane Grief


BREAKDOWN | On when Denial – overworked and exhausted – finally gives in, and Truth catches up with us. On when the ground disappears beneath our feet and we free fall into the dark void of grief. 

For me, this happened in June 2016. A blessing in disguise. This piece was written in the after-math of this painful but necessary exercise in acceptance of my pain and my story. I wish you can feel the hope, and trust that there is peace on the other side of surrender.  


you announced your arrival a long time ago

I was waiting for you

***

and so you finally came, my storm

you rip all leaves off my majestic trees
you destroy the shelter I carefully built
with merciless power you force everything to the ground
in pieces

I try to stand tall but you want me on my knees
I shout into your wind, shout ‘I’m stronger than you!’
but you swallow my words
and you laugh in my face

I finally sink to the ground
as my weak body buckles and surrenders
I close my eyes
and I hold on to the bare, brown earth underneath me

there is nothing else to hold on to

***

‘storm, are you killing me?!?’

‘BREATHE!’
you roar in the wind

and so I breathe you in
and I breathe into you
I’m in my storm
my storm is in me
and that is all there is

a song of breath, of life, of death…

***

but I hear distant voices reminding me that I’m not alone
and your gusty winds whisper truth in my ears
reminding me that everything changes
saying no wind is a storm forever
telling me to be patient

so I breathe
I hold on to the ground and I trust…

***

I trust that you tear only that which is weak
that Old is destroyed to make room for the New
that this too is good, that this too will ease
that there’s love in your force, my Hurricane Grief

and
gradually
gradually
you calm down

I raise my head
I slowly straighten my cramped up body
and look around

grateful for life

***

and sunbeams find me through the now naked branches
the fallen old leaves become food for my soil
my shelter is gone, and I will not rebuild it
I leave it in Past, where it belongs

I breathe in the Now with my clean and strong lungs
I look at the Future and then I start walking
I carry my faith, my trust, my song
and my heart on my sleeve
beating
beating

jeremy-thomas-128457-unsplash

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