It’s been a hard year so far, 2021
If 2020 was a rollercoaster, 2021 has been the throwing up outside the gate
A surrender to motion sickness
I’ve focused on re-centring
Backtracking to a place of safety, to still the trembling inside
‘Failure’ echoing in silent rooms
‘What now?’ the question tormenting
Illness paying visits, uninvited trespassing
Anger in its footsteps
Judgement follows close behind
Fuck, it’s taken so much life, this illness thing, this endless battle
Did I forget to live?
Self-forgiveness teasing me with its absence
Letting me suck on sour ‘what ifs’
I want to scream my anger
Shake the world
My pity being
We are cowards, most of us
‘Truth’ a word for empty books
I ask more of myself
So much more
Being good is not enough
Lack bravery, and people suffer!
As history has proven, repeatedly
As our own pain is proving, every day
Bravery to act
Bravery to dream
To dream! dream! dream!
And so my dreamless days sting like salt in my wounds
With nothing to cling to I drift in the sea
Drowning in circular thoughts
I search for direction back towards shore
It must be where I came from!
I make a bucket list
For the first time ever
I scramble for pictures that capture my imagination
Finding a long lost friend
Traveling with someone I love
And something starts growing
Dreams birth dreams
I just wish they weren’t so impractical!
But could all be lived from the comfort of my couch
Without a price to pay
So I wait for them to go away
The dreams too dear to pay
And I toss and turn at night, awake
So no more dreams can come my way
Are most of us destined to fail?
Like the millions of sperms never reaching the egg
Will most of us never self-actualise?
But wither and die
No, keep dreaming, keep dreaming!
We have to keep dreaming…
There is beauty in ‘nothing left to loose’
Beauty and freedom
Wisdom and strength
You may pity me my struggles
My wondering, my doubts and pain
I feel life deeply
It does not spare me
It’s picked me for its biggest dreams
To birth bum first
To rip me open
I fucking hate it!
I fucking love it!
I do not know what else to say
But this is me
In all my colours
Your mirror to a part of you
That can not face away
— Maya Benevole —