I tried to forget it, the love I was feeling
for someone who couldn’t be mine
and channel those feelings to friendship, but never
we managed to walk that thin line
so I tried to reason my heart into sense
“You are asking the moon to be blue!”
“don’t love what you can’t have, don’t feel feelings that hurt you!”
but my heart just kept saying “I DO!”
so I tried to deny it, I put on a lid
and told us a desperate lie
and my health bore the burden as my bucket exploded
the lid flying high in the sky!
so I tried to accept it, the love in my heart
compassionately letting it be
and slowly it opened, said “thank you for listning,
but I’m lost now, and no longer know me!”
so I tried to find me, amongst the love and the lies
the denial, the feelings, the memory
I forgave and accepted, I let go of my guilt
and turned my focus on the future to be
I declared our love dead and mourned my loss
I engraved a stone with my pain
I finally cried for days in a row
then thought you were gone, but in vain!
here you are! oh how foolish to think I could bury
a love that’s determined to last
no, irony laughs, and destiny whispers
“he is part of both future and past!”
our hearts are allies in the war we’re both fighting
we’re outnumbered, outpowered, we’ll break
unless we surrender and let them keep loving,
those hearts, in their way, and take
the guilt and the pain and resistance away
knowing ALL LOVE is a blessing
and blessed we can trust the future to come
as it’s meant to, accepting the missing
I’ve moved on, I’ve moved backwards, I’ve been aimlessly moving
in circles, frustrated, for so long
searching for places where your heart can’t find me
but maybe I knew all along
that no place exists where you cannot touch me
you find me wherever I hide
your heart is my heart, and no moving or hiding
can ever escape what’s inside
Johanna Benevole 